I think the best way to judge a person in a relationship is not in looking at how they were in the relationship, but rather when it ends.
Relationships are crazy. They’re this big crazy mess of two people trying to make sense of their feelings and trying to make decisions for more than just themselves and they’re fucking insane. No one knows inherently how to be in a relationship, no one is born understanding what it means exactly to be in love and how to be good at it. Everyone makes mistakes, and as we move forward in life we learn from them. That is the essence of relationships, I guess. We fuck up, we learn, we take the lesson and move forward with it and try again. We muddle our way through.
And it is for THAT REASON that we cannot judge people in relationships when we look back on them. NOW THIS IS NOT SAYING THAT WE ARE TO EXCUSE PEOPLE WHO CHEAT OR LIE. No. As HUMAN BEINGS we KNOW that this is wrong to do, and you know what? We can go right the fuck ahead and judge people however we fucking please if they are so low as to cheat and lie to someone who’s laid their heart and ripped out their insides for them. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying don’t judge someone for not knowing what to do as your significant other - I’m saying judge them for how they treat you when you split.
Being dumped is shitty. Been there, done that. Dumping people is shitty. Also been there. There’s no finesse to it, there’s no easy way to go about it. It just fucking sucks. Feelings are hurt, there’s ugly tears, there’s begging and bargaining and empty promises. No, don’t judge people here, because pretty well all of us have been the ugly, crying, begging ex.
No, you judge someone a few months after it’s over. When the water has settled, and things are calming down. This is when it begins.
You judge someone by how they speak of their ex. When they tell you she’s an evil cunt for simply “falling out of love with me”. When you make all of your happy memories together nasty stories for others to sneer at since you tinge them with that persons imperfections that at the time you found so endearing. It’s when you speak of your private life to other people because “fuck it I don’t owe them anything anymore”. It’s when you tell the stories of your sex life to her friends. It’s when you send the nude pictures you shared together to the new people in her life to attempt to destroy her new start. THAT’S WHEN YOU START TO JUDGE PEOPLE.
Feelings change. Time flies. People grow. People hurt and ache and let go of things. This is a fact of life and a simple fact to accept in relationships; most of the time they are not in fact forever. GET THIS AND GET ON WITH IT.
You judge someone by their inability to let people live. To let their ex move on with their life and be happy. You judge them when they attempt to make your trying to be happy into something hideous and alien - as if no one has ever moved on before and they’re a nasty person for doing so. This is when someone’s true colours shine through. This is when you can see how truly horrible they really are.
In simple, remember this; treat your ex with respect since at one point they were your number one choice. Remember that they were someone you once loved and that there is some respect to be shown there.
I know I need to learn this, and I have made an incredible effort in the past while. So maybe you should too.